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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24581278">It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonpinkdragon/pseuds/neonpinkdragon'>neonpinkdragon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stranger Things (TV 2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A gratuitous amount of Bruce Springsteen, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Billy Hargrove Lives, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy goes a bit dark at some points, Character Study, Gay Billy Hargrove, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:16:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,328</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24581278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonpinkdragon/pseuds/neonpinkdragon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy has a thing.</p><p>It's nothing embarrassing, though he also has plenty of things stored in the attic of his brain that will never again be said aloud while he's living and breathing. No, it's nothing big. But it is monumental to him, means too much, it's intrinsically part of himself at this point. Acknowledging it would be doing it a disservice, because he doesn't have the right words to make himself understood, he wouldn't know where to begin.</p><p>Well, he guesses, he can start by the one truth he'll always carry in heart.</p><p>Billy has always been in love with Bruce Springsteen.</p><p>-</p><p>In which Billy works out his life through a lot of Bruce Springsteen songs.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I had to write a  fic where Billy is terribly gay for Bruce Springsteen, because <i>I'm</i> terribly gay about Bruce Springsteen. I have no excuse for it other than Darkness on the Edge of Town gets to me and I figured Billy would cry a lot listening to it too, so here we are.</p><p>There's nothing graphic, but Billy goes through some dark periods in this fic, so do take care!</p><p>Title is from Badlands, which is <i>the</i> way to open your album with a banger Bruce, my man.</p><p>All my thanks to Julian <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegantwings/pseuds/elegantwings">@elegantwings</a>, who's my beta and my rock. I love you and couldn't write even one word without you, thanks for listening to my rants about Bruce even though you're a Jersey heathen who doesn't really listen to him.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Billy has a thing.</p><p>It's nothing embarrassing, though he also has plenty of things stored in the attic of his brain that will never again be said aloud while he's living and breathing. No, it's nothing big. But it is monumental to him, means too much, it's intrinsically part of himself at this point. Acknowledging it would be doing it a disservice, because he doesn't have the right words to make himself understood, he wouldn't know where to begin.</p><p>Well, he guesses, he can start by the one truth he'll always carry in heart.</p><p>Billy has always been in love with Bruce Springsteen.</p><p>Bruce was the One. The first man that made Billy's heart beat faster for a reason he was only able to understand much later. His mom, though, she got it right away. Billy remembers her smile while they both looked at the vinyl she had in her hands. He used to think his mom's musical taste was weird, but that rainy afternoon he had been lured in by a raspy voice coming from the speakers, he was immediately curious, and the man on the cover of the vinyl jacket only piqued his curiosity further. He looked a little disheveled, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, staring right at Billy. </p><p>"You too, huh?" his mom had said, ruffling his hair. </p><p>Billy had taken a short breath, knowing something in his blood had changed, he felt tingly all over. The man was telling them that he wanted a heart, a soul, he wanted control right now. And Billy didn't really understand the lyrics, but he felt like he <em> got it</em>.</p><p>"Who's this?" He asked, touching the man's face with his hand, reverently.</p><p>"This, my dear heart," his mom said, a twinkle in her eye, "is The Boss."</p><p>-</p><p>From then on Bruce remained his constant, and no matter what life throws at him, he knows he has a place to go, someone who gets it. Bruce is, well, both the man he wants to be and the kind of man he <em> wants</em>, when he allows himself to think about a future.</p><p>It's both a blessing and a curse, liking the boss of rock'n'roll a little too much. He doesn't need to be quiet about it, every Tom, Dick and Harry on the street is blasting Born in the USA thinking they know something about America and the man who's so angry about it. They think Bruce is <em> patriotic</em>. They think he's the ideal of suburban masculinity, a man's man. None of that homo shit with the big puffy hairs and make-up. So, it would be safe for Billy to wear his love for Bruce right on his sleeve. He doesn't. It's not for other people to see, is the thing.</p><p>He thinks it's great that Bruce is trying to bring truth to people about how fucked up ‘Nam was. Someone fucking should, Billy lives with the consequences of that shitshow every day of his life. And it reeks of cheap whiskey and barely contained rage. It made his mom leave beaten bloody and then made sure he stayed with the man to blame because he was a respectable veteran, who laughed at the idea a hippie who had too many arrests for civil disobedience would be the better choice to raise him.</p><p>She was the one to send him the tape. It came to the box Billy set up first thing after arriving in the middle of nowhere, USA. Billy had smiled because she had taped a post-it to the front, an arrow pointing straight to Bruce's ass saying "oh, wow" and inside was a letter saying that Neil's buddies had been over to make sure she wasn't about to ruin his new marriage, saying they'd take her in for drug charges if she tried to take Billy back again. </p><p>
  <em>Baby, please hang in there, you're almost 18, don't do anything stupid.</em>
</p><p>The thing is, they moved because Billy had already done the stupid thing. Almost died for it too. Couldn't really think about it without shaking all over. So, what help is the letter to him, really? Who the fuck is going to make sure he lives to see 18? Fucking no one, that's who. Billy is under no illusions.</p><p>He burns the letter that day, puts the tape on and tries to forget about it.</p><p>Anyway, the album is good, of course it is, and Bruce also looks great lately. Billy’s all for the denim and muscle shirt look Bruce pulls off effortlessly. Starts going for denim on denim and white shirts too, because he knows how he looks, knows he can cash these checks no problem, and collects in sighs that make people believe what they want to about him.</p><p>Especially when it means they can ignore that Billy also favors those metalheads with the bent wrists and tight clothing. That sometimes it looks like he has some red lipstick going on along with those earrings of his.</p><p>It's all fine.</p><p>-</p><p>Everyone can talk about how Born in the USA is a new American classic until they're blue in the face. Billy knows better. He has a soft spot for Darkness On the Edge of Town, and that album, that's the one. This is where Billy and Bruce meet to talk about their lives.</p><p>There's something about it, Billy just knows that Bruce once was right here in the shit along with Billy. He talks about Mary and Janey, he offers them rides in his car towards redemption often enough. But it's in the quiet moments where he reveals that <em>Everybody's got a secret Sonny, something</em><em> that they just can't face </em>that Billy knows they're more alike than not. Billy has his array of Marys too. But there’s more to him than that; he wants to reach out and take something, wants to be more. He wants to be wanted for who he is, spit in the face of everyone who treats him like shit. Something about these songs, they tell Billy that Bruce knows what it’s like when desiring means to be at someone’s mercy, when it’s a sacrifice. And when he's driving around in the middle of the night because his dad has been drinking and got sloppy with his punches, and Adam Raised a Cain comes on, yeah, he gets that too. And even sharing this kind of fear with someone, makes him want to believe he deserves more than this.</p><p>That doesn't mean it's true, though. Because here’s another thing: when he was born he inherited more than Neil’s sins and his flames. He’s been scorched through, every good thing about himself has been torched. These days he feels like a husk. Where Bruce lets his rage out through words that cut straight to the heart, shares his wins and failures through the radio and inside packed arenas, Billy lets his own out through his fists and stupidity. He’s not proud. He never meant to turn out like this. </p><p>Try as he may, this is where he always ends up. Raging at nothing and at everyone, alone, broken. After what happened in California he promised himself he’d never allow himself to be put in that position again, where people got to see what a wreck he is, in a hospital bed lying through his teeth to nurses and social workers. </p><p>But then he steps inside Hawkins and looks into big brown eyes and he knows it’s all shot to shit. He tries though, he tries to keep himself in check. But Max still doesn’t understand the price you pay when you’re in his family, puts herself and that other dumb kid in harm's way and doesn't fucking care to listen to anything he has to say. And so he goes ballistic, ruins everything before someone is able to ruin him first.</p><p>There’s a problem with his plan though, he still has to live with himself. He figures out at long last that any shred of control he thought he had in his life is an illusion. It’s laughable really, that he thought he could escape, that he’d ever feel free from his pain and this town and his fucking dad. There's nothing better waiting for him, men like him, they're not promised anything but death and destruction. No promised lands for the Hargroves, other than in a cell block or six feet under.</p><p>He resigns himself to it. Puts his Springsteen tapes in a box and refuses to think about it. He had the chance to be a better man than his father and when it came down to it, he couldn’t.</p><p>-</p><p>He doesn't look at Steve anymore. Can't bring himself to it. He tries to keep his nose clean, walk the line his dad imposed on him. He keeps his shit together. He drinks a lot though, has to feel numb to be able to hold his head high. He thinks maybe there’s something in the simplicity of just existing. It’s not what he wanted, but if it’s all he’s offered, it’ll just have to be good enough.</p><p>Doesn't make a difference though. With Neil, it’s always something. Max sees it this time, and it takes Susan dragging her away kicking and screaming. Only then Billy is able to relax and lose himself to the feeling of a fist hitting his face. He’s used to it, it’s not like he deserves any better.</p><p>That night Billy is beat to shit, driving around by the grace of God because he can't see out of his left eye and the right one is a smear of blood and tears. The radio is on set to a classic station and then, like a sucker punch, the first chords of Something in the Night come on. Billy has to park.</p><p>Sure, he can run and pretend he’s above it all, but the world won't let him hide from himself forever.</p><p>He comes undone. He cries, and cries, asks forgiveness to anyone who's listening, not for the first time he wishes he could be gone and forgotten. But that’s not like life works, he knows, so he drives back home. To his surprise, Max is waiting for him, sitting in his bed with their sorry excuse for a first aid kit by her side. He doesn’t want her to see him like this, but she tells him to shut the fuck up and let her work. So he does. It’s kinda terrible, at some point when his lip starts bleeding again he loses it a little, tells her to go back to her room. She hugs him before going, though. Billy doesn’t know what to make of it.</p><p>He wants to apologize, but the problem is, he lacks the fucking words. All the kindness has been beaten out of him, it seems. And any good favor he could have fostered in this place has long been ruined by his own stupid actions. But, he thinks back to Max putting a band-aid to his split face, maybe there’s something that he can <em> do</em>, instead.</p><p>The next morning, a Saturday, he walks up to Max’s room, knocks shyly. </p><p>“Do you want to go to the arcade?” he asks, not able to look at her suspicious face.</p><p>“Billy, you can’t even open your left eye,” Max answers like she’s <em>worried</em>. Billy is at a loss, can’t help but let his base instinct to be mean come out.</p><p>“Did I say I was going to fucking play with you?” He says and tries to soften it with a shrug. “Just... Invite your nerd pack, I’ll drive all of you and wait.”</p><p>So she does, and he drives them. And it seems like his olive branch is accepted, if cautiously.</p><p>At school, when he notices Steve is struggling, he sits by his side, accepting the look of absolute disgust Steve sends his way. Then, he braces himself, ready for the rejection he is sure he's going to get, deservingly so, but willing to try anyway.</p><p>“Listen,” he says, quietly, “I get if you never want to look at my face again. But I can help you with this bullshit.” He gestures at the pile of books Steve has spread on the library’s desk, and at Steve’s pile of torn notebook pages.</p><p>“What’s in it to you, Hargrove?” Steve says, leaning as far away from Billy as he can in the small space between them. </p><p>“Nothing,” he says, though that’s not exactly the truth. It’s enough of it anyway. “Just want to help you get out that door at the end of the year, you deserve it.”</p><p>Surprisingly, Steve accepts it. They don’t become friends or anything, only meet in the library sometimes. But Billy takes what he can get, he knows this is more than he should get. Together, they get Steve to graduate, and Steve even gives him a bear hug for his trouble. It’s one of the best days of his stupid life.</p><p>And then, it's summer. </p><p>Billy’s almost free, he can taste it. He allows himself to believe he will be able to leave all these losers in his dust again. He gets a tattoo he absolutely shouldn’t be able to get. He plays Dancing in the Dark while driving to parties. </p><p>He relaxes because having a job means his dad leaves him alone. He has no visible bruises for the first time in years, and he revels in it. Walks around the pool like he's hot shit. Because he is. He takes Heather's bet that he <em> can too </em> pick up Karen Wheeler, has no actual plans to do anything about it other than spook her a little while driving her around and then...</p><p>Darkness.</p><p>-</p><p>When he comes to, Bruce is crooning softly in the room, along with the beeps of machinery. Billy feels destroyed, can't pinpoint anything that isn't pain. He really thought he'd get to die this time, and that maybe, maybe trying to help would gain him a few points. He'd get to rest. He wants to let go, then, in the haze of barely there coherence, he knows he's not worth this care.</p><p>"Sweetheart, are you with me?" He hears from beside his bed. And, is that… is that his mom? Maybe <em>he is </em>dead after all.</p><p>With enormous strength, he turns his neck as much as the mask on his face will allow. It is his mom. She's a vision in a long dress, disheveled blond hair and deep marks underneath her eyes that betray days of sleeplessness and worry. She smiles at him, though, and her whole face softens. Billy feels transported back to his childhood, where one word from this woman would have been enough to soothe any wound.</p><p>"Mom?" He says, talking hurts, his voice is wrecked. "Mom, <em> what did I do</em>?"</p><p>"Oh, sweetheart, don't," his mom says, hand reaching for his hair.</p><p>On the radio, Bruce's saying <em> When the night's quiet and you don't care anymore, </em><em>and your eyes are tired and there's someone at your door </em>and Billy, for the first time in his life, what is left of it, allows himself to be engulfed in grief. To be taken over by it. What he's done… The things he saw…</p><p>He can't, <em> he can't</em>.</p><p>His mom has climbed over the wires and IV drips to the best of her ability, is trying to cradle him the best she can.</p><p>"No, baby, hold on for me, okay? You've been so strong, stay just a little more, come on." She keeps rambling nonsense while petting his hair and rocking him back and forth. The sobs are making Billy feel like his chest is caving in and his whole skin is so tender, as if one of those tentacles is still piercing him.</p><p>The racket seems to attract some attention, because soon a nurse is coming in and his mom is begging her not to sedate him again. Just for a little bit. Billy doesn't know what's happening because he's distracted by a shape standing by the door.</p><p>It's Steve.</p><p>Oh, oh no. </p><p>He must say it out loud, because Steve looks directly at him, squaring his shoulder and giving him a soft smile. He walks in. Billy feels out of his body. Steve's eyes are so sad, but he feigns levity, like Billy isn't covered in IV drips and his own snot.</p><p>"Welcome back, sleeping beauty," Steve says. "You had us really worried."</p><p>His mom is sitting at the chair by his bedside again, and the nurse is on standby, looking like she'd really rather put Billy to sleep. God, he wants that too.</p><p>"What are you doing here, Steve?" He says, his voice getting tight again, "you shouldn't- not, not for me."</p><p>Steve stares at him for a few seconds. Then he grabs Billy's hand determinately.</p><p>"Tough shit," he says. "You're just gonna have to deal with me."</p><p>And Billy snorts, which makes his chest spasm and this time the nurse is really not taking no for an answer. Soon, he's floating again. Only it's warm this time.</p><p>-</p><p>Turns out his mom is here to stay, well, she has to sign forms stating that, so Billy is pretty sure it’s serious. As soon as it looked like Billy was not going to make it, Max had fought the entire division of the United States government trying to save his life and made them call Julia and fly her to Indiana. And because this is Max, she immediately told his mom everything. Apparently it was a spectacular shitshow Hopper had to manage from his own hospital bed. Billy is glad he wasn’t awake for that, even if watching both his mom’s and Max’s sheer indifference for anything a government worker has to say is actually fucking delightful.</p><p>It takes another few months before Billy is deemed well enough to be able to sit in his hospital bed, and then PT and therapy sessions begin, and that’s another kind of hell Billy wishes he didn’t have to get to know. But his mom makes it bearable. She always has music playing, brings fresh flowers and refuses to leave him alone, especially around what she calls "fucking suits" which makes Billy laugh a little. It’s also a relief, because the interrogations they want to take him for never actually happen at all. This woman never saw an authority figure she didn't want to fight and thank fucking christ for that.</p><p>She turns the room into a refuge, always sneaks in food Billy shouldn't be able to eat, always has someone visit. Because she’s been here for barely any time, but she already managed to integrate herself into the ecosystem of Hawkins. If Max or El aren’t there to annoy and coddle him all at the same time, then it's one of their nerds, or Joyce, who gets along with his mom like a house on fire. Hopper sometimes wobbles in with crutches, still convalescing from whatever happened to him that night.</p><p>His mom's favorite, though, is Steve.</p><p>Billy feels like turning to her and saying, "You too, huh?" But that would be giving too much away. Plus, he thinks she already knows.</p><p>By the time he’s cleared to go back home, feeling like he’s still too tender to be allowed anywhere near society but glad to be giving the military hospital the finger anyway, his mom has a tiny house set up for the two of them. Her beat up yellow VW beetle is parked out front and the vision of it is so dearly familiar Billy starts to weep right there. </p><p>She makes him lean on her, then. They just stand on the front lawn, both of them crying for their own reasons, finally free to be together again. </p><p>-</p><p>He’s not better. Actually, the very idea of the word being applied to him is hysterical, in his opinion. But he’s… Coping. He almost doesn’t feel like being numb. Most days he can get up and go outside, take his meds, hold a five minute conversation. These are his victories these days. </p><p>Now that he’s allowed to show how he feels about most things, it’s like the floodgates are open. His room is cozy and second hand, but the first thing he hangs in there is a giant poster of Bruce Springsteen’s ass in all its Born in the USA glory. It’s a present from his mom and she pesters him until he hangs it, says his wall deserves an ass like that. And she’s right. Billy doesn’t feel enough like himself to be anything like he used to be before. His clothes are baggy and his hair is unkempt, his vanity holds nothing but a bottle of deodorant. But his passions, those he finally wears with pride.</p><p>His mom’s car, now his too he guesses, becomes the house of all of Billy's Bruce tapes. That’s his motivation to be able to drive it, at first. He begins by going to Max and Susan’s new house where they moved after Neil disappeared (and Billy is firmly not thinking about <em> that)</em>. </p><p>He sits for hours watching TV with Max, both of them quiet and hesitant, until Billy says he thinks Spock and Kirk are banging, and that sparks a discussion that makes them finally become the brother and sister that they should have been all along. From then on he carts her around, the both of them singing Born to Run awfully, but feeling better by doing it, somehow.</p><p>Family Video becomes one of his most frequent haunts because Steve won't stop pestering him to come "hang out", even if that means Billy sullenly sitting behind the counter with his hood pulled up, answering all of his questions in monosyllables.</p><p>Eventually, though, Robin takes to poking him until he answers in at least two sentences, and that turns into having long conversations about movies they watch in the tiny TV set that theoretically is only there for rewinding tapes. Steve contributes nothing but nonsense to anything they say, and it's fantastic in all its mundane glory. Billy can use more of that. So he keeps going, laughing, and driving Robin back home because he doesn't want her walking alone.</p><p>"So, you really like The Boss," Robin says, conversationally, in one of these drives. Billy doesn't trust her tone.</p><p>"Yeah, so?" Billy says quickly, defensively. "It's whatever."</p><p>Robin does a double take, like Billy just gave her exactly what she was looking for, and snorts.</p><p>"It's Bruce Springsteen for you, huh?" She says smiling, and something in her tone... Billy forgets. Forgets he’s safe, feels himself starting to hyperventilate because no one has clocked him this fast in years. All his cultivated façade, what he had of it to begin with, stayed at Starcourt's floor. He doesn't know what to do with this kind of vulnerability.</p><p>Robin's smile slips and she seems to want to touch him, but her hand keeps going back to her lap. Her eyes are wide as saucers. Billy has to park the car, he's shaking so hard.</p><p>"Billy, it's cool," Robin says and she does touch his shoulder now, and keeps rubbing little circles like he's a spooked cat or something. "You're cool, it's fine. Mine is Stevie Nicks, I get it." She lowers her head until Billy will look into her eyes, and then she smiles. </p><p>His whole body relaxes at once, she's been trying to say they are <em>the same </em>this whole time.</p><p>Billy blushes, Jesus, he used to be better at this. Human interactions, being alive, all that. He feels foolish, but he knows Robin won't care for that, so he does the deep breathing exercises his mom keeps insisting he remembers for times like this. And once he's collected enough he starts the car again.</p><p>"Witchy chicks do it for you, then?" He says, a few minutes later when his hands aren’t shaking anymore, his tone is a far cry from the teasing one he's trying to reach, but Robin laughs all the same. </p><p>"Oh yeah, one look at her singing Rhiannon and I was a goner." </p><p>Her faraway dreamy look, Billy intimately gets it. So he decides to share his own, figures it's only fair, a way to salvage this talk from complete disaster.</p><p>"Mine was the cover of a vinyl my mom had."</p><p>Robin snorts again and turns to him smiling like a shark. Billy knows what's about to come out of her mouth is going to be true and mortifying. That's what friendship with Robin is like, and he loves it.</p><p>"God, you would like the floppy-haired smiley kind, Hargrove, be more obvious," she says while slapping his arm lightly. Billy kinda wants to set himself on fire.</p><p>"Shut up, Buckley" is all he can say, his shoulders by his ears.</p><p>Because yeah, she is absolutely right. Billy does have a very obvious type. He's trying to do the thing where he allows himself to think about it again. It's a work in progress.</p><p>-</p><p>Between him and Steve, they have almost one entire functioning nervous system. But it’s still bad a lot of the time. Billy gets used to his bed dipping in the middle of the night, Steve wide awake fidgeting by his side. Sometimes they talk, but mostly they don’t. Billy will put a record on and sing along, or they’ll smoke silently.</p><p>Steve gets in the habit of actually throwing pebbles at his window, like some weirdo from a romantic comedy. Billy is tickled fucking pink about it, actually, so he never complains. Even though Steve can walk through the front door. In fact, his mom has told both of them that doors were invented for a reason enough times that it has become a bit between all of them. </p><p>She’s exasperated by their sneaking around, not for the reasons Billy has been conditioned to go to, no, but because she finds it ridiculously sweet. Of course, it’s his mom and Billy expected it, but it still makes something warm grow inside of him. She teases Billy mercilessly about his boy, but they’re not <em> together</em>, Billy and Steve, much as Billy wishes they were. So, he wants to keep the illusion. Pretend that he’s the kind of dumb teenager who gets to have a boy climb through his window cause they like each other, and it’s innocent and charming, nothing more than that.</p><p>Today, though, Steve never climbs inside. When Billy leans on the windowsill a frown on his face, Steve puts his hands back in his pockets and shrugs.</p><p>“I need a drive,” he explains, simply. </p><p>That’s a thing they do too, roam around Hawkins’ empty streets like insomniac guardians. Like they can stop tragedy from striking again just by keeping an eye on it before whatever shit likes to go bump in the night in this place can get any funny ideas. Sometimes they go to the 24-hour diner at the edge of town, but tonight Steve looks like a wreck. Is acting like it too, a bit sweaty and babbling too much about nothing at all.</p><p>“C’mon, Stevie” Billy says with a sigh and parks the car at the quarry so they can share a cigarette, sometimes that’s enough to settle them.</p><p>Thunder Road comes on and Billy breathes sharply. Seems like his boys are out to get him tonight. Between Steve’s relieved smile and the first notes of the piano, Billy is having a hard time keeping it together.</p><p>“You know,” he says, capturing Steve’s attention. Steve’s legs are long and so cramped inside the tiny car, the absurdity of it makes Billy smile and feel like he can share a little bit of truth. “When things got bad, with Neil and stuff, I used to put this song on and, and I used to,” he swallows around the lump in his throat, “I used to dream, I had this really detailed fantasy that Bruce would come to my house, y’know, and he’d open his door to me, same offer he makes to Mary and we’d drive off to somewhere better. And, and I’d finally be hap-” Billy stops abruptly.</p><p>He stops because Steve’s <em>kissing him</em>.</p><p>Oh. Oh, <em> thank god</em>.</p><p>Billy closes his eyes and kisses back. Steve holds his face between both of his hands, like he’s something dear and precious. They keep coming back for more, but the kisses never get heated, they’re just these tender, soft exchanges. Billy’s heart is beating out of his chest, he’s deliriously happy, a feeling so foreign to him that it’s alarming. He knows he’s smiling like a maniac, but Steve is too, so it must be fine.</p><p>“I love you, you know?” Steve says, resting his forehead to Billy’s.</p><p>And Billy didn’t, but the incredible, wonderful thing is, he can believe it.  </p><p>Maybe there’s some redemption left for him, after all.</p><p>-</p><p>“Ugh, Julia, he's gonna abandon me for his other man, I’m sure of it,” Steve says from across the house, Billy can hear him flopping dramatically around the kitchen where his mom is attempting to bake weed brownies so they can take them on the road. She’s a terrible cook, but he has faith with Steve’s help they’ll figure it out.</p><p>To be fair to Steve, he’s been daydreaming about it. They’re leaving in a few hours to actually see Bruce live, the first time Billy will ever do it. Steve splurged on his birthday present and it’s all Billy has been thinking about for weeks. The whole gang is going, because they all want to see Billy cry like a bitch in a crowd or something. They tell him it’s because they love him and have listened to Bruce in his car so much at this point they have to see the man live too, but Billy knows they want to have tangible material to mock him. Also, Steve bought them all tickets too because he’s a madman.</p><p>With the help of one of the brownies and with Steve’s arms secure around him, Billy is actually thrilled to be in a crowd for the first time in ages. He feels effervescent, the energy of the people around them incredible, and no one’s paying them any mind when the fucking Boss is about to take over the stage in a few minutes. Plus, Hopper is standing just beside them and his bulk alone is enough to get them all room to watch the show in peace.</p><p>Too soon and not soon enough, Nils Lofgren is strumming his guitar and Bruce is walking out in all his glory, screaming Born in the USA. Billy is lost to sensation. Seeing the man of his dreams right in front of him, while the man who makes his dreams come true is jumping and singing right along with him… It’s more than what Billy ever thought he was going to have in his life. </p><p>The band is fucking killing it. Billy is mesmerized by the Big Man’s arms for a full minute, which has Hopper laughing at him, but Billy did see him shimmying his way through half of the songs so he’s got no room to mock him. </p><p>Suddenly, Bruce is doing an harmonica solo and Billy knows, immediately, it's going to transition into The Promised Land. That's his song. It's the song he feels in his bones. He readies himself, holds on tight to Steve. The lights flash, and Bruce begins. </p><p>Billy is crying right away, from the first words. Steve looks a bit alarmed, but he knows already what that song can do to him because they've been together for a year now, so he uses his sleeve to wipe Billy's eyes to the best of his ability while smiling a little. Billy can't help but hug him and they sway in place. </p><p>"I love you," he says, his mouth close to Steve's ear. Steve squeezes him harder.</p><p>That's Billy's promise, right here.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic ended up with a lot more of Born in the USA than I thought it would, which is funny, because truth be told... I don't listen to it much??? Blasphemy, I know, I know. I had to make Billy fall in love with him through <i>Darkness</i> though because, well, that was one of Bruce's babest phases imo, seriously, look at the material, leather jackets and big, big smiles. It's great. </p><p>I based the tracklist of the show around one of the concerts out in LA in 1985, because it had the list of songs that most made sense for the story, even if they go to the show a bit later than that (1987, maybe?). And, you can listen to the bootleg of it <a href="https://cantfindtickets.wordpress.com/2019/04/06/new-from-the-springsteen-archive-september-27th-1985-los-angeles-ca/">here</a>. Also, my god they get to see the E Street Band at their PRIME, can you believe? Lucky people, all of them.</p><p>Ok, I'm going. Thank you for reading!</p><p>You can find me on <a href="https://dragoonthegreat.tumblr.com">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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